Jesus I'm lonely.

The Dog Days Are Over.

It's been nearly a year, but I have come to a serene, peaceful, clear realization. I'm free, I'm letting go. I'm over you.
And God, it's beautiful.
Thank you for making last summer one filled with love, and this summer one filled with strength I didn't know I'd ever have again.
Goodbye.

To Err Is Human. To Forgive...

I think in order to forgive someone you have to find some reason outside of the situation.
You have to think of this one moment, this gorgeous freeze frame in which everything was right and good, and you have to know in your heart that because of this moment, this time, this section of your life during which you were truly happy, it is worth forgiving this person.
One can always say they forgive someone, but rarely do they mean it.
We get lost in the rage that fills our minds, the fixation we have with our own ideas. We can't let go of how we feel about this moment in time, a much darker frame.
No one wants to hear their flaws, thrown back at them like stones to the temple, but sometimes we have to.
Both injured parties must go back to their corners, and think about what they've done. It is truly divine to forgive wholly.
And you haven't really forgiven me. And I hear the words that you say even though you don't say them to my face. And even if I hadn't heard it from others, I can feel it. I can feel the rage you've been harbouring towards me just looking for the best way out. So I believe you've found it. I cannot and will not change how I feel, and it has nothing to do with morals. Not one thing.
It has to do with my love for you as a person, but you are much too set in your ways to believe that.

Constant optimism is bullshit, right?
I think the point is to try to be as positive as one can be. I think life is easier that way.
A balance is needed, however.
You need to be sad, and angry and jealous sometimes.
You're not the Dalai Lama.
Unless the Dalai Lama reads my blog.
I'm not the Dalai Lama, anyway.
In essence, I'm pissed off right now.
And I'm pissed off because after all this time, if you told me you wanted me back, I would run to you with open arms.

If You Want to Be Happy, Be.

Today wasn't exactly great.
I came to the realization that a lot of terrible things are going to happen in my life, and in the lives of the people I love dearly. Our house is empty and feelings are hurt and there's tension and stress and tears.
And it reminds me of a story about my aunt, that my mom told me once.
My aunt's first husband was having an affair, at the same time she was going through chemotherapy for thyroid cancer. She was working a job she hated to have enough money to keep her house through the divorce.
My aunt believes that what keeps a person from falling apart is that you simply have to get up in the morning and look in the mirror and tell yourself "Today, I am going to be happy."
Awful things are going to happen in life. You rely on other people to make you happy, and you could be waiting around an awfully long time.
As cliche as it sounds, you really have to make the choice to be happy.

Things to Celebrate

When you throw something at the garbage and land it.
When you throw something at the garbage and land it and someone witnesses.
Friends.
Swimming pools.
Friends with swimming pools.
Walking downtown without getting tired.
Picking enough strawberries to put them to use.
Successfully applying nail polish.
Eating a huge breakfast.
Taking naps.
Passing classes.
Being courageous.
Being alive.
Weekends.
Travel.
Music.
Listening to music while travelling.
Successfully cooking something.
Waking up like a minute before your alarm goes off.
Random acts of kindness.
Discovering an awesome new band.
Moving on.
Finding gorgeous vintage.
People who listen to vinyl.
People who are still in love.
Random acts of kindness.
That ONE time I beat Oliver at Mario Kart. Should have taken a picture.
Going to sleep.
Overcoming.
Actually looking good in a candid photo.
Witnessing a natural phenomenon.
Someone commenting on your blog post!
HIGH SCORE!
Feeling like you accomplished something, however big or small.
A successful show.
Musical theatre.
Obscure Holidays.
Finding your niche.
Learning a chord or two.
Growing something.
The little things.

They Call It A New Leaf.

Have I depressed you all to the verge of suicide yet?
I'm dramatic sometimes, it's very true.
It was a hard year, and today when I finished my last exam and thereby said goodbye to tenth grade, I decided it was time for a change. Of course, I decided to start here, because my blog is my creative outlet. That, and my mom won't let me pierce my eyebrow.
It's time to be real, but optimistic. Metaphorical sob stories get hard on the head.
New look, new out-look.
I can't delete all the old sobfest posts. They happened, they were part of my life too. That would be pretending.
And there will be hard days, and one can't always be optimistic, but at the end of the day I suppose it's important to remember that we are all free.

Why.

We never took a single photograph together.

Someday I will pull myself out of this hole.
It won't be dark, and I won't be afraid.
Someday I will be happy, and free, and think of you only fondly.
I will have success.
I will fall in love again.
I will love things I never thought could I love again.
I will want to get up.
I'll want to do it.
I know I will carry on.

"So I will live life day by day, and let each moment pass right through. And as the hours pass away, I won't forget to think of you. And if you're with me, I will smile, and if you're not, then I'll smile too."

Lets call it a day.
I can't follow.
You blind me.
You twist and make shapes I don't recognize.
What is time, and space, when you are with me?
It does not exist.
And with you in another place there is too much of it.

There is too much time, and too much s p a c e.
Although I have removed you before, I have to put you back each time and look at you, like the book you can't touch, but your mother kept on the shelf within your reach anyway.
And it is just time and space.
I sit there and I look at it.
There must be a day that will come when it will break and shatter loudly around me.
And it could only be sweet relief.

Good Intentions

I believe people assume that I am confident because I am outspoken.
I am only outspoken by nature.
I have so many quirks, and things about me that just aren't attractive, and I have a love hate relationship with these things.
Sometimes I embrace them, and sometimes, I just want to be with someone again, and then I start to wish I were different. Lately, I've been extremely attracted to someone in particular, but I have the sinking feeling that said person doesn't find me attractive in any way, shape or form. And I am constantly feeling this need to change. It makes me think of everything I am, and how when it's all there, in front of me, together, I don't always like it.

I don't brush my hair.
My skin is always broken out.
I'm failing math.
I take 30 mg's of Prozac every day, because I've been diagnosed with depression.
I'm overweight.
I have Trichotillomania.
I see a therapist.
I wear glasses.
My teeth are yellow sometimes.
I lose a lot of things.
I break a lot of things.
I get angry often.
I cry over extremely petty things.
I'm very jealous.
I wear too much makeup.
My eyeliner never looks good.
My breasts are way too small.
Writing is my passion, but I secretly want to be a truck driver.
I'm possessive.
I'm sensitive.
I can forgive on occasion, but I never forget.
I'm way too empathetic but I'm afraid people will think I'm self-righteous if I talk about it.
I'm judgmental but I try to love people.
Sometimes I feel like a bad person.

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions."

A Work In Progress.

In the shadows of your empty room
I see your feet and watch you move through sun
We danced with dust and cracks
The beat of traffic, coming back
And you, a jukebox singing songs
A radio with nothing on
But all-consuming melody
Your voice, your body calls to me.

Where do you go in this city?

The television set is singing static loneliness
We tore the curtains down, and now the light shines on the mess
Lipstick stains on coffee cups I'll never put away
Your furniture and dirty clothes all have too much to say.

Where do you go in this city?

I used to get off the bus and walk, and watch the ghosts of you and I walking towards me, holding hands, talking. Your ghost looks as though he is in a world beyond my ghost.
My ghost is wearing stripes, but I am wearing floral.
It's a different time.
It's been almost a year since what you were became a ghost and who you are became seperate.
I don't wear that striped dress anymore, but she does.
Although I was myself and my ghost, you were no longer there in the flesh.
I used to go to bed with my ghost, and then she would turn on me. She didn't want to sleep.
She didn't want to get up either. She had realized as well as me that you are different now, different than your ghost was.
But if she realized it, maybe you were always the same.
I am not what you want.
And maybe she was not what he wanted, it was just that they didn't know it yet.
In the end, it's all me. Nobody else.
And spring has come.
Sun has come.
I have survived it, on my own. Without you.
With the snow, so disappeared ghosts, and so disappeared my need for you.
I do not need you anymore.

Let There Be Love.

I am so happy.
Bullshit isn't worth it.
I'm happy, I really am. I love so many people.
Everyone has something to offer.
I had a weak moment today but I know I'm falling out of love and moving on to something better for me.
My life seems to be going somewhere I want it to go.
I love life.
I love music.
I love everyone around me who is there because they love me too.

I Am Not Hollow.

I have had so many thoughts lately, good ones. I decided the only thing left to do is throw them all into one post. Otherwise, I'll forget them. Ryan, you've inspired me. I'm fucking sick of being vague and poetic. I was doing that because I want to be a writer. This is my blog. I'm going to mention names. I'm going to say exactly what is on my mind, all the time. Living life with the hope that someone else might pick me up and take me exactly where I want to go is getting dull. I will have no regrets, because those who look down on me, talk about me, or who are angered by me, will never know me. Never.

-I woke up this morning feeling as though I'd been hit by a truck, which then proceeded to back up and roll over me again. Needless to say, I stayed home. I still don't feel all that great, but it was also nice to stay home to just be alone for a while. School is so exhausting. I'm failing math miserably, and it's always on my mind. I also can't deal with the people at school sometimes. I am constantly jealous, and I'm always striving towards some invisible goal. It can't always be my job to be sensitive and make people happy. Sometimes, I'm going to piss my friends off, it's inevitable. If they want to go and talk behind my back about it, so be it. In two years I'll be done with this bullshit anyway.

-I feel inferior to almost all my friends, especially Ryan. About ninety-nine percent of the time I feel more stupid, less attractive, less creative, less understanding, less sensitive and less co-operative then all my friends. From this lack of...whatever it is, comes my constant need to one-up everyone. To save me from myself.

-While I'm still in the vein of school and friends, there's something else.
Morgan, I can't constantly be asking you what is wrong and what's going on. We all want to cry sometimes. We all have our crosses to bear. If you have a problem with me, you need to confront ME about it, or keep it to yourself. If you tell other people your problems with me, because you're trying to avoid confrontation, I'm just going to feel more confrontational. Join in the conversation. Talk to me. We all have something to deal with. Don't assume your cross is heavier than anyone elses.

-I FUCKING LOVE NEIL YOUNG.

- Try as I might to understand it, I have no idea what we're doing in math right now, and it's unbelievably frustrating.

-I'm not even a sensitive person in most respects, I just almost feel the need to be sometimes because some of my friends are overly sensitive.

-It's not funny to pretend to ignore people, it's annoying. I liked it when that when away, and I hate that it seems to be coming back.

- I've reached a point where I'm too lazy to even cook for myself.

- I have learned from Ryan's most recent blog post that he'd like his room to be more private, which is understandable, because we're always in there, but truthfully Ryan, your room with you and Jess is the only place I'm really happy anymore. No inhibitions there.

-I'm never happy with my room. I can't wait until I have my own place. I will decorate to suit my taste exactly.

-I don't care how much of an outspoken bitch anyone thinks I am, because if I don't say it, I'll think about it all the time, and then blow up in someone's face. It's not like all the people who have told me I'm "mean" have never had a thought, they just choose to keep everything to themselves. I keep a lot to myself too, and the rest is out there.

-I'm starting to get over Fin. Have you all noticed I haven't been talking about him so much? Well, not every waking second, anyway.

- I eat too much popcorn.

- I love my mom more than anything in the whole world, but on occasion she's difficult to talk to. And when I can't tell her, it's hard to tell anyone.

-I miss my dad a lot lately, which is odd. I hope he's having a good time in Mexico. My mom deserved to go nice places with him too, however.

-Broke is a state of being, but poor is a state of mind. We all have family and roofs over our heads. We are not so poor as those that don't know where their next meal is coming from. I think we should be thankful for each other.

The Equivalent to a Sigh of Relief.

I'm going to live.
I'm going to graduate because I have to. Then, I'm going to take a year off.
I'm taking a year off. I don't care what anybody else says.
I'm going to work. Hard.
And I know I'm going to have to work hard because I have been informed that if I don't go to university after I graduate, I'm not living at home.
And I'm taking a year off. To decide exactly what I want to do with my life, exactly why I'll be going to university, because I'm going to university for exactly what makes me happy. And I'll have to make money. Yes, I'll be living on my own. I know I'll have to work.
I'm staying in Fredericton. I love Fredericton. I'm completely aware that money is going to be tight but I have this extreme faith that I'll make it. I will make it. Even if I have no help, no support at all.
All I want to do is live, and be happy. I'm so overwhelmed with life, there's so much I want to do. There's so much I can accomplish.
And of course, I'll list it. Making lists keeps me calm, keeps me grounded. I love it.
Also, I'm not even slightly concerned with relationships right now, which is nice.
I don't know what I'll do, but I'm determined to do it.

-I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life, and it's terrifying, but for some reason, I really want to just wing it.
-Everyone keeps telling me I should always lay a foundation and make money before I do what I love, but I really, truly don't care if I'm dead broke. And it's not the idealism of youth talking.
-I don't think my maturity is hurting me in the least.
-I'm going to be in love for a long time.
-I think I'll probably fail math again. Not on purpose, but nonetheless, it seems to be heading that way.
-I'm opinionated, but I'm not as terribly outspoken as everyone seems to think.
-I don't do really odd things in public for the attention, I do it to see who my real friends are.

I've made a rather interesting discovery.
Living with you had its occasional difficulties, but I have realized over time that I am not nearly as happy living without you.
Not only that, I'm barely functioning.
I not only grow tired of simply going through the motions, it also makes me terribly sad.
I'd like to try again more than anything.

Reflection.

Nothing has changed, I can tell.
It seems like you all still talk about me, and I'm still alienated more often than not, whether or not it's on purpose. I have to intiate events.
I can't help but feel that any support is two-sided.
Everytime I read those things you all wrote about me I still cry. It still bothers me that you were all talking about the things you hated about me.
I feel like a last resort.

My City.

My mind is a city.
It has been created so that two thoughts may pass quietly, with underlying apprehension, small factors in the grand scheme, and never connect. Never allow themselves to come together and create something potentially ingenious.
Instead they duck down alleys, and hide in corners, if they see the pleading in the eyes of the strange thoughts passing on the dark city street. My thoughts refuse to be approachable out of fear.
Fear of imabalance.
Fear of the unfamiliar.

A Long Week In Unfortunate Review.

"This too, shall pass."
I felt as if I was emerging from an exhausting coma, seeing the world again like I did when I was someone else, and now it's as though you're forcing me back in.
I didn't want it to be this way.
The minute I sensed a storm I jumped ship, and found what I was looking for. I was trying to avoid the thunder and the turbulence I knew I would face if I continued on the same path.
I found lovely people, people who accepted me. I hoped that we would quietly continue down different paths, navigate to happiness, because I sensed the tension. I knew when it wasn't the same.
It didn't turn out that way. You did not agree with my decision. It sparked anger and lies and I was shocked at how you had hurt me. Yet the more I retreated, the more I provoked you. I was caught. All I could do was be the bigger person. I told myself I couldn't let the immaturity that was radiating all around me get to me, affect me. So I gave in to something I no longer felt the same for.
And everything I was trying to seperate came together, and now I am threatened.
At first, I believed it was better this way. Better to possibly weaken bonds with those I love in order to prevent such harsh words.
And yet they continued, I can tell. I know they did and it can't be hidden.
I've seen more than that. You can't fool me.
And now I am threatened because another bond was formed. Those who I love dearly, who I had re-discovered happiness with, have now become infatuated with those who have essentially turned against me, no matter what I do.
And there is nothing more I can do, and it is magnified by the fact that I let you back in and you left me with nowhere to turn.
I can feel the bonds weakening, I can feel myself being cast out at sea again. And I am drowning.
I am drowning in exhaustion. I am drowning in weight I have put on, weight that represents all I have to carry now. I bear it on myself in ugly pounds, as though even my clothing has told me I'm not good enough, it can't be seen with me because it heard what you said.
I am terrified that your words will spread like wildfire and those I trusted will hear and believe them, and I will be left alone.
I am drowning in weight and exhaustion, and I am lost again in my coma.
You win.
You've broken me, just like you wanted.
I hope you're happy, because there is nothing left of me to give.
I'm gone again. I miss myself, I wasn't back for nearly long enough before you forced me inside again.

You Win.

Wish me away.
I will go.
I have no reason to tie myself to this place.
Yet I have conditioned myself terribly, and you do not wish me away.
Therefore, I stay.
You draw me to you.
I'm too exhausted to struggle.
I'm too tired to win, to walk away like I should.
It haunts me, yet all I can do is sleep and know you will always prevail.

A Summary.

I take each pill for specific side effects, which reassure of my health in turn, yet only temporarily.
When they die away, do not attempt and assure me with words.
I cannot hear.
During time, I have become incapable of listening.
My body carries what it can, and when it breaks, my excuses are loaded and fired like bullets.
I cannot blame myself for breaking, lest I lose hold of all I have left.
I would run to the ends of the earth to remove myself from this if I could.
You cannot make me happy.
Nothing can make my fear be still, it can only drown in the wake.
I wish to be immobilized by apathy, rather than slowly cracked by the weight of the world until I am reduced to fragments.
Never did I think the day would come when only apathy, that which I once loathed, would set me free.
And then, will I really be free?
One cannot be free, yet tied, dead and weighted, watching the world through apathetic eyes.
I must find something new as hours pass, to attach myself to and allow it to carry me day to day.
But slowly, steadily, I am running dry of things to believe in.
Perhaps apathy alone cannot keep my head above water after all.

I Want To Tell You

-You make me so angry at times, but I still love you. I miss spending all our time together.


-Everything will be alright. I promise. I wouldn't tell you unless I knew for certain. And I am by your side, always.


-I'm exponentially confused right now, but one thing is for certain: You gave me the best summer of my life and winter is harsh and revealing, but I feel somehow something good will come of this. Also, you are a good, and amazing person. I think that will be enough for you to be alright in this.


-You are beautiful, talented, selfless and the most amazing friend I could ask for. Thank you.


- You are so talented and amazingly kind. All I do is whine to you, and you still love me. Thank you.

- There are some things you absolutely need to start keeping to yourself. I love you nonetheless.


- You are my light in the darkest places.


- I don't understand why you hate me so much. I've never spoken to you. I know I've started spending time with your group of friends lately, and I understand you not liking the change. However, I'd love to be your friend.


- You are stronger than you know, and you have made me stronger than I ever thought I could be. Remember that.

- You are too old to act like this. You can tell me things to my face. You don't have to walk on eggshells because I'm sick. You are not my father, and you obviously wouldn't know how to handle parenthood if you were.

- You are seriously one of the most amazing people I have ever met. You're great to talk to.

- I'm very happy I met you. We should most definitely spend more time together.

-We're going to make it through this year.

- You have a lot to apologize for, but I love you, and I even miss you sometimes. I can respect you trying not to make the same mistakes in your new life as you did in your old one. I love her like a second mother, and him like my own brother. I'm still angry, but I do want you to be happy.

- I miss when we were just a little bit younger, and we had great sleepovers.

- You are my musical soulmate. Let's jam again. Soon.

- You people are becoming like a family to me. I love you very much.

Where I Belong.

I forgot to take my medication today.
It was perfectly alright. I'm not fully independant but I'm not dependant on taking a pill to alter the state of my mind.
I guess the idea I came to this post with is that I can now genuinely say that I think I will be alright.
Certainty is a luxury, and I have to accept that.
I am determined to set myself free.

I Never Meant Any Harm To You.

I can't handle this.
I love you all but we've ended up broken and I don't know what to do about it anymore.
I feel hated, like a black sheep or something.
I know that all these little things are about me. I know people talk.
I talk, but I don't talk to be a bitch. I talk because I'm scared and I'm reaching out to people. If I could talk straight to you I would, believe me. But you won't even look at me.
I still love you.
I'm never going to like what's happening but I can't stop you so I'm not going to try, but I absolutely refuse to be left out because I make good choices. That's the bottom line. I also think that people think I have a hard time being happy for them, that I think I'm better and that I think the things I accomplish are the only ones that matter. I don't feel that way and if I came across that way, that's really unfortunate. I try to make myself feel better about how much more amazing you all are than me. I was never praised growing up, everything went unnoticed and I guess I learned to be that way myself. I think you're all unbelievably talented people.
I love you all.
I feel like my best friends are habouring resentment and underlying feelings of dislike for me.
It's making me hate myself.

This Morning.

This morning, I got a ride to school.
As we were pulling in, an old couple in what seemed to be almost matching outfits crossed the street, arm in arm, smiling.
I was listening to 'Maps' by the Yeah Yeah Yeah's.
'Wait, they don't love you like I love you...'
Somehow, at that moment I realized that I'm sick of high school. I'm sick of about ninety percent of the people at my high school, too. I also realized that I want to be happy and in love and free now, and when I'm old. And I want to be happy, in love and free with you.
By the time I got inside I was listening to The Wallflowers.
'So long ago I don't remember when, that's when they say I lost my only friend.'

Then I texted you.

Two Posts In One Night.

I can't say this to you right now and I'm speaking to you.
I'm still in love with you and I had myself convinced that I wasn't, but I realized that I am, just now.

Anyway.

I feel just as badly as you do.
But I don't understand how you can be so understanding of everyone else and then have no feeling at all whatsoever to what I'm trying to work through.
I really don't think you care about me a whole lot.

Desperation.

I am not who I was anymore.
And try as I might, I can't remember who I was before.
The person I used to be got lost in unfriendly transition to a sea of forgetting, dizziness, anti-depressants, confusion and paranoia.
I miss the way I was terribly. I miss feeling. And not feeling, at the right times.
I can't remember much.
All I can do is move on and create new memories, and try to hang on to them properly.
From now on I'll write everything down. What it comes down to is that I feel as though I'll never ever be the same again. I feel as though I'll wake up and be insane.
I'm so afraid.