Let There Be Love.

I am so happy.
Bullshit isn't worth it.
I'm happy, I really am. I love so many people.
Everyone has something to offer.
I had a weak moment today but I know I'm falling out of love and moving on to something better for me.
My life seems to be going somewhere I want it to go.
I love life.
I love music.
I love everyone around me who is there because they love me too.

I Am Not Hollow.

I have had so many thoughts lately, good ones. I decided the only thing left to do is throw them all into one post. Otherwise, I'll forget them. Ryan, you've inspired me. I'm fucking sick of being vague and poetic. I was doing that because I want to be a writer. This is my blog. I'm going to mention names. I'm going to say exactly what is on my mind, all the time. Living life with the hope that someone else might pick me up and take me exactly where I want to go is getting dull. I will have no regrets, because those who look down on me, talk about me, or who are angered by me, will never know me. Never.

-I woke up this morning feeling as though I'd been hit by a truck, which then proceeded to back up and roll over me again. Needless to say, I stayed home. I still don't feel all that great, but it was also nice to stay home to just be alone for a while. School is so exhausting. I'm failing math miserably, and it's always on my mind. I also can't deal with the people at school sometimes. I am constantly jealous, and I'm always striving towards some invisible goal. It can't always be my job to be sensitive and make people happy. Sometimes, I'm going to piss my friends off, it's inevitable. If they want to go and talk behind my back about it, so be it. In two years I'll be done with this bullshit anyway.

-I feel inferior to almost all my friends, especially Ryan. About ninety-nine percent of the time I feel more stupid, less attractive, less creative, less understanding, less sensitive and less co-operative then all my friends. From this lack of...whatever it is, comes my constant need to one-up everyone. To save me from myself.

-While I'm still in the vein of school and friends, there's something else.
Morgan, I can't constantly be asking you what is wrong and what's going on. We all want to cry sometimes. We all have our crosses to bear. If you have a problem with me, you need to confront ME about it, or keep it to yourself. If you tell other people your problems with me, because you're trying to avoid confrontation, I'm just going to feel more confrontational. Join in the conversation. Talk to me. We all have something to deal with. Don't assume your cross is heavier than anyone elses.

-I FUCKING LOVE NEIL YOUNG.

- Try as I might to understand it, I have no idea what we're doing in math right now, and it's unbelievably frustrating.

-I'm not even a sensitive person in most respects, I just almost feel the need to be sometimes because some of my friends are overly sensitive.

-It's not funny to pretend to ignore people, it's annoying. I liked it when that when away, and I hate that it seems to be coming back.

- I've reached a point where I'm too lazy to even cook for myself.

- I have learned from Ryan's most recent blog post that he'd like his room to be more private, which is understandable, because we're always in there, but truthfully Ryan, your room with you and Jess is the only place I'm really happy anymore. No inhibitions there.

-I'm never happy with my room. I can't wait until I have my own place. I will decorate to suit my taste exactly.

-I don't care how much of an outspoken bitch anyone thinks I am, because if I don't say it, I'll think about it all the time, and then blow up in someone's face. It's not like all the people who have told me I'm "mean" have never had a thought, they just choose to keep everything to themselves. I keep a lot to myself too, and the rest is out there.

-I'm starting to get over Fin. Have you all noticed I haven't been talking about him so much? Well, not every waking second, anyway.

- I eat too much popcorn.

- I love my mom more than anything in the whole world, but on occasion she's difficult to talk to. And when I can't tell her, it's hard to tell anyone.

-I miss my dad a lot lately, which is odd. I hope he's having a good time in Mexico. My mom deserved to go nice places with him too, however.

-Broke is a state of being, but poor is a state of mind. We all have family and roofs over our heads. We are not so poor as those that don't know where their next meal is coming from. I think we should be thankful for each other.

The Equivalent to a Sigh of Relief.

I'm going to live.
I'm going to graduate because I have to. Then, I'm going to take a year off.
I'm taking a year off. I don't care what anybody else says.
I'm going to work. Hard.
And I know I'm going to have to work hard because I have been informed that if I don't go to university after I graduate, I'm not living at home.
And I'm taking a year off. To decide exactly what I want to do with my life, exactly why I'll be going to university, because I'm going to university for exactly what makes me happy. And I'll have to make money. Yes, I'll be living on my own. I know I'll have to work.
I'm staying in Fredericton. I love Fredericton. I'm completely aware that money is going to be tight but I have this extreme faith that I'll make it. I will make it. Even if I have no help, no support at all.
All I want to do is live, and be happy. I'm so overwhelmed with life, there's so much I want to do. There's so much I can accomplish.
And of course, I'll list it. Making lists keeps me calm, keeps me grounded. I love it.
Also, I'm not even slightly concerned with relationships right now, which is nice.
I don't know what I'll do, but I'm determined to do it.

-I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life, and it's terrifying, but for some reason, I really want to just wing it.
-Everyone keeps telling me I should always lay a foundation and make money before I do what I love, but I really, truly don't care if I'm dead broke. And it's not the idealism of youth talking.
-I don't think my maturity is hurting me in the least.
-I'm going to be in love for a long time.
-I think I'll probably fail math again. Not on purpose, but nonetheless, it seems to be heading that way.
-I'm opinionated, but I'm not as terribly outspoken as everyone seems to think.
-I don't do really odd things in public for the attention, I do it to see who my real friends are.

I've made a rather interesting discovery.
Living with you had its occasional difficulties, but I have realized over time that I am not nearly as happy living without you.
Not only that, I'm barely functioning.
I not only grow tired of simply going through the motions, it also makes me terribly sad.
I'd like to try again more than anything.

Reflection.

Nothing has changed, I can tell.
It seems like you all still talk about me, and I'm still alienated more often than not, whether or not it's on purpose. I have to intiate events.
I can't help but feel that any support is two-sided.
Everytime I read those things you all wrote about me I still cry. It still bothers me that you were all talking about the things you hated about me.
I feel like a last resort.