Relapse.

I know I wrote a post about feeling better, but something happened.
Two nights ago I had a dream that I was being stalked and then I was a little more morbid than usual the next day.
Last night I recounted the dream to my friend, got unbelievably scared and felt like I was being watched. I'm still scared.
Now I'm afraid I have schizophrenia.

Another Brief Thought.

Another short yet complicated thought.
I have extreme issues with both mortality and immortality.

I've Been Inspired.

There is something I have decided to do if it takes everything in me.
I am going to stop over-analyzing myself, humanity and existence before I become insane.
I am going to stop self-examing, worrying, obsessing over my health, my life and my mind.
I am going to accept the fact that maybe my mind isn't fully well, because I'm intelligent and even if I forget things or can't focus, there are always things I will never lose ability to do.
I am going to stop killing myself over things that I know don't matter, deep down.
I am going to attempt to reunite with the faith and spirituality I once had, that which was corrupted somewhere down the line. I might even start going to church. Smythe Street Cathedral, of course. Non-denominational.
I am going to start reading again.
I am going to take more pictures.
I am going to take another look at my list of goals.
I am going to cry when I want to without worrying about my mental health.
I am going to be more understanding of my friends.
I am going to trust what the doctor says rather than scare myself with self-diagnosis.
I am going to look at this whenever I forget.
I am going to remember what's important in life.

I am going to be happy.
I am going to live.

A Blunt Thought.

Lately, I miss you so much it's making me insane.

We're All Broken Enough to Be Humble.

I am not confident.
I know I am smart, but not in the ways that count.
I read people much better than books, but I never have the words to explain my findings.
I'm only as funny as I feel.
And I do not think I'm pretty.
I sometimes walk with my head down.
My posture is terrible.
I think my emotions get the best of me.
I'm really not as nice as I'd like to be, or as innocent as you'd think I am.
I am a contradiction to everything I want to stand for.
I'm a big dreamer with little motivation.
I'm really no good at all on my own, but I am analytical with myself.
And I don't understand how anyone could ever be cocky or proud, when they are aware of all the disgusting things they think and do, but no one knows.
We're all broken enough to be humble.
-Anna-Joy Reed.

I love this. I read it and I saw everything I feel sometimes. I think everyone feels it occasionally. It just expressed it so well. Especially the last line. The push and pull and contradictions and struggles we go through in our own minds every day to try and keep good prevaling over bad, to keep a balance in ourselves.

It's Been A Long Time.

It's been a very long time since I posted here. I have several things to talk about.

For the past month or so, I've been a little sick. I let a little anxiety take over and I convinced myself that I was extremely sick, mostly because of the fatigue and the headaches, which are most likely caused by the anxiety in the first place, not to mention lack of sleep and stress from production. Anyhow, I know deep down that I'm going to be alright, and when I really think about it, there are so many people that are worse off than me. So many. Millions of people suffer loss and heartbreak, and life goes on because it has to. People grieve to move on.

Speaking of production, theatre is my soul. I adore everything about a musical, and live theatre in general. I'm auditioning for 'Snow White' next week. There's a lot of people who are better than me, experience-wise, anyway, but I intend to give it everything I have. I've got a monologue picked out and every time I get a burst of energy, or my headache becomes manageable, I intend to practice! I'd love to get a part. When production is over I feel rather empty.

I have one more thing to mention.
I understand that I am not conventionally attractive or what have you, but is it necessary for people to voice their opinions on such matters? Allow me to explain:
Today in English class, we had to do a re-enactment of the courtroom scene from 'To Kill A Mockingbird'. I had to be Mayella Ewell. This guy in my class who is constantly asleep was chosen to be Tom Robinson. Now, I haven't spoken to him in a long time, all I remember is the two of us not getting along in elementary school, and nothing has happened since then. When the judge tells Mayella "You're a big girl", this clever young man playing Tom starts to snicker and whisper. Thank you, I am well aware of how I look. There are many people larger than me.

When Mayella is asked who raped her, she is supposed to point at Tom and he is supposed to stand up. According to MY script, he had no line at that point. However, when he stood up, he said "I must have been drunk."
He was absolutely not talking about Mayella in context to the book at all, and everyone knew it. Nobody laughed. I finished reading my part.
Things like this don't bother me as much as they used to, but I just wanted to mention it because, personally, I believe that every single person on this earth is beautiful and worthy in one way or another, and should never be made to feel like they aren't. I know some people really struggle with such things, and it isn't fair. I used to, I really did. I don't anymore. I'm perfectly happy with myself. The incident today made me wonder, however, how many people he's made to feel bad. Nobody can make you feel bad unless you let them, ever.