I Want To Tell You

-You make me so angry at times, but I still love you. I miss spending all our time together.


-Everything will be alright. I promise. I wouldn't tell you unless I knew for certain. And I am by your side, always.


-I'm exponentially confused right now, but one thing is for certain: You gave me the best summer of my life and winter is harsh and revealing, but I feel somehow something good will come of this. Also, you are a good, and amazing person. I think that will be enough for you to be alright in this.


-You are beautiful, talented, selfless and the most amazing friend I could ask for. Thank you.


- You are so talented and amazingly kind. All I do is whine to you, and you still love me. Thank you.

- There are some things you absolutely need to start keeping to yourself. I love you nonetheless.


- You are my light in the darkest places.


- I don't understand why you hate me so much. I've never spoken to you. I know I've started spending time with your group of friends lately, and I understand you not liking the change. However, I'd love to be your friend.


- You are stronger than you know, and you have made me stronger than I ever thought I could be. Remember that.

- You are too old to act like this. You can tell me things to my face. You don't have to walk on eggshells because I'm sick. You are not my father, and you obviously wouldn't know how to handle parenthood if you were.

- You are seriously one of the most amazing people I have ever met. You're great to talk to.

- I'm very happy I met you. We should most definitely spend more time together.

-We're going to make it through this year.

- You have a lot to apologize for, but I love you, and I even miss you sometimes. I can respect you trying not to make the same mistakes in your new life as you did in your old one. I love her like a second mother, and him like my own brother. I'm still angry, but I do want you to be happy.

- I miss when we were just a little bit younger, and we had great sleepovers.

- You are my musical soulmate. Let's jam again. Soon.

- You people are becoming like a family to me. I love you very much.

Where I Belong.

I forgot to take my medication today.
It was perfectly alright. I'm not fully independant but I'm not dependant on taking a pill to alter the state of my mind.
I guess the idea I came to this post with is that I can now genuinely say that I think I will be alright.
Certainty is a luxury, and I have to accept that.
I am determined to set myself free.

I Never Meant Any Harm To You.

I can't handle this.
I love you all but we've ended up broken and I don't know what to do about it anymore.
I feel hated, like a black sheep or something.
I know that all these little things are about me. I know people talk.
I talk, but I don't talk to be a bitch. I talk because I'm scared and I'm reaching out to people. If I could talk straight to you I would, believe me. But you won't even look at me.
I still love you.
I'm never going to like what's happening but I can't stop you so I'm not going to try, but I absolutely refuse to be left out because I make good choices. That's the bottom line. I also think that people think I have a hard time being happy for them, that I think I'm better and that I think the things I accomplish are the only ones that matter. I don't feel that way and if I came across that way, that's really unfortunate. I try to make myself feel better about how much more amazing you all are than me. I was never praised growing up, everything went unnoticed and I guess I learned to be that way myself. I think you're all unbelievably talented people.
I love you all.
I feel like my best friends are habouring resentment and underlying feelings of dislike for me.
It's making me hate myself.

This Morning.

This morning, I got a ride to school.
As we were pulling in, an old couple in what seemed to be almost matching outfits crossed the street, arm in arm, smiling.
I was listening to 'Maps' by the Yeah Yeah Yeah's.
'Wait, they don't love you like I love you...'
Somehow, at that moment I realized that I'm sick of high school. I'm sick of about ninety percent of the people at my high school, too. I also realized that I want to be happy and in love and free now, and when I'm old. And I want to be happy, in love and free with you.
By the time I got inside I was listening to The Wallflowers.
'So long ago I don't remember when, that's when they say I lost my only friend.'

Then I texted you.

Two Posts In One Night.

I can't say this to you right now and I'm speaking to you.
I'm still in love with you and I had myself convinced that I wasn't, but I realized that I am, just now.

Anyway.

I feel just as badly as you do.
But I don't understand how you can be so understanding of everyone else and then have no feeling at all whatsoever to what I'm trying to work through.
I really don't think you care about me a whole lot.

Desperation.

I am not who I was anymore.
And try as I might, I can't remember who I was before.
The person I used to be got lost in unfriendly transition to a sea of forgetting, dizziness, anti-depressants, confusion and paranoia.
I miss the way I was terribly. I miss feeling. And not feeling, at the right times.
I can't remember much.
All I can do is move on and create new memories, and try to hang on to them properly.
From now on I'll write everything down. What it comes down to is that I feel as though I'll never ever be the same again. I feel as though I'll wake up and be insane.
I'm so afraid.