Much Too Vague.

When something you are passionate about seems to be becoming extremely political, it's more than dissappointing.
I don't feel the need to be specific on this topic. Vagueness is always something I've tried to acheive in everything anyhow.
This time, something is riding on it that makes it a much bigger deal than it's been in previous years. This is making people tense, and it's making authority figures political.
Some people, who are lovely people, but shall become the subject of my polite tyrade, have received positions that they don't necessarily deserve. They received these positions because of their connections, and I am very much aware of it. I have no connections. There is one person, in particular, who I really think is charming, but I feel I could do much better in their position. It sounds awful. I know. It's just how I feel. The person in question received this position, in part at least, because they are of relation to someone who has very high connections to this whole, horribly vague mess.
Besides that, it's become much less light-hearted than last time, which is very saddening. It used to be a very fulfilling experience, and now it seems to be stressing everyone to breaking point.
Awkward conclusion.
Vague enough?

Death and Empathy

Lately, death has been hanging over my head like an extremely inevitable cloud.
Am I going to die?
No. Not any time soon. I do have trouble shaking the feeling, however. I become this way every so often. I'm rather prone to anxiety attacks, which I have no problem controlling at this point. This doesn't make them any less unpleasant. These mixed with the inevitability of death shakes me.
I had better explain further:
I am afraid of death at the moment, slightly. There are many, many things I would still like to do. When the time does come, I won't be afraid for myself. I won't be able to feel anything, or watch it happen. I'm terrified for those who will. I believe part of why I feel so strongly is caused from an overwhelming sense of empathy I carry with me all the time. I want everyone to be happy. I really, really do. Which is why I can't do things that most people can like watch the news, or a particularily sad film. Knowing that I am going to cause sadness, and an overwhelming sense of loss of control in people I love especially, makes me insane.

Where I Go From Here.

I finished "The Great Gatsby".
It was the saddest, most magnificent book I have ever read. And now I'm almost finished "Jane Eyre". Change in plans about the Jane Austen books. It's on to "The Catcher In The Rye" after this.
In other equally enthralling news, I am pleased to announce my overall general happiness with life at the moment. It's genial, really. Although, it really doesn't take much to make me happy. I would say that can only be a good thing.
Also! I've decided I'd really like to be a writer. A journalist, perhaps. I haven't decided what field in which to write, but I'd really like to do it. I always felt like I had to strive so hard for music, and I'm really not that talented when it all comes down to it. I can sing, but anything instrumental comes awkwardly and unnaturally if it comes to me at all. Much unlike writing. Writing pours from me like it's been waiting there for the moment I decided to let it out. So, to add another goal to the wonderful list of "Soon-to-be Accomplishments", I will start writing things besides blog posts. More songs and poems, as usual, but I should also like to broaden my horizons into things like short stories. We'll see where I go from here.

The Great Gatsby.

Well, I've begun "The Great Gatsby."
It's very, very good so far. I think afterwards will be "Jane Eyre", and then all the Jane Austen novels that are on the list. I'd like to read them in sequence (even though they aren't sequels).

Otherwise I have nothing to report. School starts tomorrow. I should really make one of my goals to do with school but I probably won't. Most unfortunate.

Goals.

Well, hello.
Lately, I've been thinking much about goals, and what I would like to do with my life. Speaking in short and long terms, of course. I've decided I'd like to live in Europe. Maybe not for my whole life, but for a while, after university, for the experience. I've also begun saving my money to take a trip to England. I was looking at flights and the price of hostels last night. I could do it, most definitely. Besides that, I'd also like to save my money in general.
I've completed a few of these goals already, including to stop eating meat, to shop only vintage and secondhand, and to replace all the products I use to ones that aren't tested on animals. I have a list of some other smaller scale goals too, like getting a job, which really ties into the bigger ones, because of the whole money factor. Walking the dog every day, volunteering somewhere (that's a big one, I feel lately I should be doing more for others than I am at the moment)
But one that I decided yesterday, was to read BBC's list of the "100 Books to Read Before you Die." I've read a few of them, but definitely not the majority. The Bible is going to be a hard one for me, mostly because I have a few opinions on religion, that aren't necessarily pro-religion. Although sometimes I wonder about it. Maybe if I read the Bible I'll decide. Also, "Lolita" is on the list. Lolita is going to be virtually impossible to find. I'm determined to do it, however.
So, there you have it. I intend to accomplish all these goals. I haven't set a time limit for myself, because then I'll rush and do a half-ass job at everything. But everything will happen in my lifetime, I'll make sure of it.

What It Comes Down To.

I am beautiful the way I am.

Self Searching.

I am happy.
It used to be that when I went out for something as simple as a walk, I was trying to walk towards something. Something I wanted and needed. I didn't know what it was, but I would get up and leave what I was doing to walk and walk and walk with absolutely no enjoyment, until I stopped, sorely disappointed in not finding the nothing that I was looking for, and going back. It was the same way with dreams. Ever since I was young I had a recurring dream that I was looking for a dog for someone I barely knew. One day, recently, I had the dream and found the dog. And I haven't had it since. Maybe I didn't need to find anything, but if I did, whatever it was, I found it. I think what I needed to find most was myself. I needed to really see myself. I needed to stop having so many false ideals and just embrace what I am and learn to embrace what I will be.
Now, I'm just dreaming.
Now, I am just going for a walk.