If You Want to Be Happy, Be.

Today wasn't exactly great.
I came to the realization that a lot of terrible things are going to happen in my life, and in the lives of the people I love dearly. Our house is empty and feelings are hurt and there's tension and stress and tears.
And it reminds me of a story about my aunt, that my mom told me once.
My aunt's first husband was having an affair, at the same time she was going through chemotherapy for thyroid cancer. She was working a job she hated to have enough money to keep her house through the divorce.
My aunt believes that what keeps a person from falling apart is that you simply have to get up in the morning and look in the mirror and tell yourself "Today, I am going to be happy."
Awful things are going to happen in life. You rely on other people to make you happy, and you could be waiting around an awfully long time.
As cliche as it sounds, you really have to make the choice to be happy.

Things to Celebrate

When you throw something at the garbage and land it.
When you throw something at the garbage and land it and someone witnesses.
Friends.
Swimming pools.
Friends with swimming pools.
Walking downtown without getting tired.
Picking enough strawberries to put them to use.
Successfully applying nail polish.
Eating a huge breakfast.
Taking naps.
Passing classes.
Being courageous.
Being alive.
Weekends.
Travel.
Music.
Listening to music while travelling.
Successfully cooking something.
Waking up like a minute before your alarm goes off.
Random acts of kindness.
Discovering an awesome new band.
Moving on.
Finding gorgeous vintage.
People who listen to vinyl.
People who are still in love.
Random acts of kindness.
That ONE time I beat Oliver at Mario Kart. Should have taken a picture.
Going to sleep.
Overcoming.
Actually looking good in a candid photo.
Witnessing a natural phenomenon.
Someone commenting on your blog post!
HIGH SCORE!
Feeling like you accomplished something, however big or small.
A successful show.
Musical theatre.
Obscure Holidays.
Finding your niche.
Learning a chord or two.
Growing something.
The little things.

They Call It A New Leaf.

Have I depressed you all to the verge of suicide yet?
I'm dramatic sometimes, it's very true.
It was a hard year, and today when I finished my last exam and thereby said goodbye to tenth grade, I decided it was time for a change. Of course, I decided to start here, because my blog is my creative outlet. That, and my mom won't let me pierce my eyebrow.
It's time to be real, but optimistic. Metaphorical sob stories get hard on the head.
New look, new out-look.
I can't delete all the old sobfest posts. They happened, they were part of my life too. That would be pretending.
And there will be hard days, and one can't always be optimistic, but at the end of the day I suppose it's important to remember that we are all free.

Why.

We never took a single photograph together.

Someday I will pull myself out of this hole.
It won't be dark, and I won't be afraid.
Someday I will be happy, and free, and think of you only fondly.
I will have success.
I will fall in love again.
I will love things I never thought could I love again.
I will want to get up.
I'll want to do it.
I know I will carry on.

"So I will live life day by day, and let each moment pass right through. And as the hours pass away, I won't forget to think of you. And if you're with me, I will smile, and if you're not, then I'll smile too."

Lets call it a day.
I can't follow.
You blind me.
You twist and make shapes I don't recognize.
What is time, and space, when you are with me?
It does not exist.
And with you in another place there is too much of it.

There is too much time, and too much s p a c e.
Although I have removed you before, I have to put you back each time and look at you, like the book you can't touch, but your mother kept on the shelf within your reach anyway.
And it is just time and space.
I sit there and I look at it.
There must be a day that will come when it will break and shatter loudly around me.
And it could only be sweet relief.

Good Intentions

I believe people assume that I am confident because I am outspoken.
I am only outspoken by nature.
I have so many quirks, and things about me that just aren't attractive, and I have a love hate relationship with these things.
Sometimes I embrace them, and sometimes, I just want to be with someone again, and then I start to wish I were different. Lately, I've been extremely attracted to someone in particular, but I have the sinking feeling that said person doesn't find me attractive in any way, shape or form. And I am constantly feeling this need to change. It makes me think of everything I am, and how when it's all there, in front of me, together, I don't always like it.

I don't brush my hair.
My skin is always broken out.
I'm failing math.
I take 30 mg's of Prozac every day, because I've been diagnosed with depression.
I'm overweight.
I have Trichotillomania.
I see a therapist.
I wear glasses.
My teeth are yellow sometimes.
I lose a lot of things.
I break a lot of things.
I get angry often.
I cry over extremely petty things.
I'm very jealous.
I wear too much makeup.
My eyeliner never looks good.
My breasts are way too small.
Writing is my passion, but I secretly want to be a truck driver.
I'm possessive.
I'm sensitive.
I can forgive on occasion, but I never forget.
I'm way too empathetic but I'm afraid people will think I'm self-righteous if I talk about it.
I'm judgmental but I try to love people.
Sometimes I feel like a bad person.

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions."