Jesus I'm lonely.

The Dog Days Are Over.

It's been nearly a year, but I have come to a serene, peaceful, clear realization. I'm free, I'm letting go. I'm over you.
And God, it's beautiful.
Thank you for making last summer one filled with love, and this summer one filled with strength I didn't know I'd ever have again.
Goodbye.

To Err Is Human. To Forgive...

I think in order to forgive someone you have to find some reason outside of the situation.
You have to think of this one moment, this gorgeous freeze frame in which everything was right and good, and you have to know in your heart that because of this moment, this time, this section of your life during which you were truly happy, it is worth forgiving this person.
One can always say they forgive someone, but rarely do they mean it.
We get lost in the rage that fills our minds, the fixation we have with our own ideas. We can't let go of how we feel about this moment in time, a much darker frame.
No one wants to hear their flaws, thrown back at them like stones to the temple, but sometimes we have to.
Both injured parties must go back to their corners, and think about what they've done. It is truly divine to forgive wholly.
And you haven't really forgiven me. And I hear the words that you say even though you don't say them to my face. And even if I hadn't heard it from others, I can feel it. I can feel the rage you've been harbouring towards me just looking for the best way out. So I believe you've found it. I cannot and will not change how I feel, and it has nothing to do with morals. Not one thing.
It has to do with my love for you as a person, but you are much too set in your ways to believe that.

Constant optimism is bullshit, right?
I think the point is to try to be as positive as one can be. I think life is easier that way.
A balance is needed, however.
You need to be sad, and angry and jealous sometimes.
You're not the Dalai Lama.
Unless the Dalai Lama reads my blog.
I'm not the Dalai Lama, anyway.
In essence, I'm pissed off right now.
And I'm pissed off because after all this time, if you told me you wanted me back, I would run to you with open arms.

If You Want to Be Happy, Be.

Today wasn't exactly great.
I came to the realization that a lot of terrible things are going to happen in my life, and in the lives of the people I love dearly. Our house is empty and feelings are hurt and there's tension and stress and tears.
And it reminds me of a story about my aunt, that my mom told me once.
My aunt's first husband was having an affair, at the same time she was going through chemotherapy for thyroid cancer. She was working a job she hated to have enough money to keep her house through the divorce.
My aunt believes that what keeps a person from falling apart is that you simply have to get up in the morning and look in the mirror and tell yourself "Today, I am going to be happy."
Awful things are going to happen in life. You rely on other people to make you happy, and you could be waiting around an awfully long time.
As cliche as it sounds, you really have to make the choice to be happy.

Things to Celebrate

When you throw something at the garbage and land it.
When you throw something at the garbage and land it and someone witnesses.
Friends.
Swimming pools.
Friends with swimming pools.
Walking downtown without getting tired.
Picking enough strawberries to put them to use.
Successfully applying nail polish.
Eating a huge breakfast.
Taking naps.
Passing classes.
Being courageous.
Being alive.
Weekends.
Travel.
Music.
Listening to music while travelling.
Successfully cooking something.
Waking up like a minute before your alarm goes off.
Random acts of kindness.
Discovering an awesome new band.
Moving on.
Finding gorgeous vintage.
People who listen to vinyl.
People who are still in love.
Random acts of kindness.
That ONE time I beat Oliver at Mario Kart. Should have taken a picture.
Going to sleep.
Overcoming.
Actually looking good in a candid photo.
Witnessing a natural phenomenon.
Someone commenting on your blog post!
HIGH SCORE!
Feeling like you accomplished something, however big or small.
A successful show.
Musical theatre.
Obscure Holidays.
Finding your niche.
Learning a chord or two.
Growing something.
The little things.

They Call It A New Leaf.

Have I depressed you all to the verge of suicide yet?
I'm dramatic sometimes, it's very true.
It was a hard year, and today when I finished my last exam and thereby said goodbye to tenth grade, I decided it was time for a change. Of course, I decided to start here, because my blog is my creative outlet. That, and my mom won't let me pierce my eyebrow.
It's time to be real, but optimistic. Metaphorical sob stories get hard on the head.
New look, new out-look.
I can't delete all the old sobfest posts. They happened, they were part of my life too. That would be pretending.
And there will be hard days, and one can't always be optimistic, but at the end of the day I suppose it's important to remember that we are all free.